"Time passes quickly the older you get," said my mother.

       I didn't understand her then, but this last year of my life I've come to understand a lot more about myself and life itself. 24 has quickly become 25 and it feels as if I merely went to sleep on one birthday and woke up on the next. Time does slip through our fingers like sand, and I've realized my mother was right about this. However, there is a logical reason behind that saying. As kids, whose entire lives may only consist of a few years, time seems vast. A day could feel like a week or a month to them simply because they've only existed for a few cycles around the sun. For adults, we've done this before. I've lived through 24 years, and they no longer feel super long. I can't imagine how quick they feel to someone in my parents' generation.

       Now, just because I feel like I didn't even have time to put up my 2018 calendar before I was given my 2019 one, doesn't mean I didn't tackle my goals. On my birthday last year, I made a list of the things I wanted to accomplish before I turned 25. I'm happy to report I was successful. Well, mostly.

Lets review:

• Lose Weight 
• Clear up my Acne
• Finish Writing a Full-length Novel

       Right off the bat, I can cross off the first one. Not only did I complete that goal, but I crushed it. I lost 50lbs between February and September last year. Even better, I've maintained that loss for the last five months. If I hadn't opened my eyes to anti-fat bias, this would be  a major celebration. It shouldn't be. Yes, I'm super proud of myself, but mostly for the effort I put into this endeavour rather than the results. Wearing size medium leggings makes me feel accomplished, and the anti-fat bias that inspires this feeling is disappointing. I set this goal to prove a point (that my illness was the same or worse when I was thinner) and I did just that. Unfortunately, I wrecked my metabolism along the way and created new disordered eating habits. So, while I'm pleased to have defeated this goal, I'm also very regretful for having set it in the first place.

       As for the second goal, I didn't think I'd manage to complete that one. I'd been battling acne for over a decade, how would I defeat it in a single year? Welp. Eating some crow on that one. In December 2017, I started taking Spironolactone 50mg for my PCOS symptoms, but specifically for acne. I increased the dosage in February to 100mg. Spring and summer were rough, but by mid-August, my skin cleared up. It was miraculous! It's super rare that I get pimples at all now, big ones almost never appear. I can actually go out in public with a bare face and I couldn't be happier. Thank you, Spiro. I should've tried you sooner.

       Now, the third goal, I must sadly admit I didn't complete. My novel manuscript fell to the wayside as my health and then my weight loss regime became my focus. However, over the summer, I picked up an old project and found my passion for writing again. It's a co-written fanfiction I began years ago and I haven't fallen in love with my work like this in so long... It's a wonderful feeling. I wrote about 100,000 words in the latter half of 2018, so I'd say I sort of completed this goal in a sense. But I won't cross it off for posterity's sake.

       Okay, time for the big question, what about 26? Well, I think 2019 is going to be the year of truly simple goals. I felt pressured by those three goals last time (I called them simple, ha!), and with a wedding coming up, I really can't take on too much else. So, I'm thinking small for this year. I'll make a separate post for that though. For now, I'm grateful to have achieved even two-thirds of my goals from last year. I'm proud but burnt out. A slice of cake and some well-deserved rest is in order!

-Dana.

Fatness isn't inherently bad. 

       I felt like I needed to say this, especially after all I've learned losing weight this last year. It's been a long, difficult journey that's been peppered with self-loathing and dealing with my own internal biases. I've recently discovered fat activism and it's changed my perspective on weight loss as well as health. There's a lot to unpack there, but I'll come back to it.

       In early 2018, I had a conversation with one of my doctors about my chronic pain condition, Fibromyalgia. She suggested that if I simply lost weight, I'd feel less pain. But I knew that wasn't right. Two years prior to that conversation, I weighed 70lbs less and was in the worst pain of my life. It was then that I was diagnosed. The extra weight had piled on from medications and being housebound because of the condition.  Still, this doctor insisted it would work and refused me other care options until I lost weight.

       I was enraged. Logically, her argument didn't make sense to me because I knew what my pain felt like at that lower weight. The fact that she didn't believe I knew my own body was so infuriating that I decided to do something about it. I would do as she asked, I would play by the medical system's rules, only so I could prove a point and finally be taken seriously for my pain.

       Losing weight was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Calorie counting is not easy, even though I made it seem that way in some of my earlier posts. I struggled, I cried, and I did feel like I was starving myself regularly. But, after 6 months of dieting, I lost a significant amount of weight. Guess what happened? My pain increased tenfold, just like I knew it would.

       That terrible chat with that biased doctor had broken me, and I put myself through hell to prove a stupid point. I never returned to see that specific physician (she was an unnecessary addition to my medical team at a time when my pain clinic had a discount on private care). Unfortunately, the damage her comments and suggestions made is still ongoing. I wrecked my metabolism just to access better care. The anti-fat bias doctors possess, that we all possess, has hurt me and will continue to hurt others until we make changes.

       As I said before, I discovered fat activism this year. There are some lovely people out there trying to make a difference and getting people to acknowledge their own biases. Here are a few awesome peeps on Twitter for you to follow:

• @meghantonjes
• @comfyfat
• @fatgirlfreedom
• @yrfatfriend

       Your Fat Friend also writes wonderful essays on Medium about the anti-fat bias that are really worth a look: How Healthcare Bias Harms Fat People. If you want more information, Your Fat Friend and the others I listed above are great resources and it's better to hear it from their point of view rather than myself as I am now a small fat after my weight loss.

       Anyways, if you would like my perspective: I think the main point of this cause is to get us to recognize our own biases and deal with them to hopefully stop demonizing fatness and fat people. It's not an easy task; many of us, even fat people themselves, harbour this extreme negativity towards fatness. We've internalized these biased views of society and for many of us who are or were fat, we've turned against ourselves because of it. I know I hated myself whenever I looked in the mirror, ever since I hit puberty. Even when I wasn't fat by any standard (age 10 or 11), I hated any bit of fatness on my body. When I did gain massive amounts of weight, I still looked the same in my eyes. I had always been fat, I was always going to be fat. When I did set out to lose the weight, it came from a place of self-loathing and I shamed myself through the entire experience.

       Even after I lost 50lbs, I still harboured those feelings. But you know what happened? Being thinner, and fitting into straight sizes (S-L, 0-14), made me feel beautiful and acceptable. It made me feel like I was better than people who were bigger than me, and that's terrible! This right here is my anti-fat bias at work. I'm not better than them and I can't let my bias make me think this kind of discrimination is okay.

       It takes a lot of self-talk and head-work to stop these internal judgements. Still, it must be done because I don't want my biases reflected in my actions. I don't want to treat people poorly, even subconsciously, because of their size. I know how awful it is to experience this kind of prejudice, and it's something that will take a lot of effort to eliminate from society. Anti-fat bias, in particular, is very tricky to root out because it's propped up by the medical system.

       Society insidiously imprints us with this negativity against fatness and fat people by using numbers under the guise of science to make the hatred seem okay. Clinically, I'm still 'obese' at a BMI of 32, down from 41 this time last year. Now, that word itself is not neutral and is often thrown around as a hateful term. I use it only to reference the specific medical measurements that have helped fuel society's hatred of fatness.

       The Body Mass Index is a strange scale that assigns numbers to determine what your 'healthy' weight is for your height. 'Overweight' starts at 25, 'obese' starts at 30 and 'morbidly obese' begins at 35. It's a simple mathematical equation to find out where you land, but it doesn't make sense. BMI doesn't account for muscle mass which means big burly athletes with no fat can be considered obese. It was also based on average weights during the early 1900s when food was not nearly as plentiful as it is now and people regularly starved themselves out of necessity. So, of course, you might be thinking, "Why haven't they updated the standard then?" Well, that's a good question with an unfortunate answer. The reason no one has updated the formula is that using the BMI scale simply conforms with our already existing biases against fatness. Why change something that helps confirm what society already believes?

Because hatred on a grand scale is wrong.

-Dana.


Have you ever felt medical professionals were biased against you because of your weight? Did you ever struggle with self-loathing because of your weight or your internal biases? Let me know in the comments down below!

      It's been about three months since I started actively working on my weight loss. Calorie counting, stepping with my Fitbit, and swimming once a week have all contributed to this and I hope I've created a routine that I can maintain.

      Initially, I had a lot of water weight just hanging around. During the first month of calorie counting, this just melted off at an insane rate. I was shocked at just how much I lost in the beginning. Like, double digit loss with very little effort. By the second month, I was steadily losing about a pound a week. I was a little disappointed that it wasn't as fast as month one, but still seeing those losses really kept me motivated. I was doing something right!

      I think calorie counting is ideal for me. I mean, I can still have McDonalds, the stereotypical epitome of fatness and unhealthy food. I didn't start this to eat perfectly healthy. I just wanted lower numbers on the scale to prove a point to my doctors (the number didn't matter, the pain was always there). I knew that over time I could make the healthier choices because I felt more confident in my diet. And I did. I started choosing to cook instead ordering in. I would go for a protein heavy meal to stave off hunger. I'd excitedly drink water to stay hydrated. Slowly, but surely I'm making healthier choices and I have the willpower to maintain it.

      So, the big reveal. The thing that I never thought I'd be able to say. "I've lost weight." A decent amount of weight. As of a week ago, I'm now down just over 30 lbs. I couldn't believe it. I've never lost that much intentionally in my life. It felt like such a victory. I did this. I worked hard and earned this.

      Now, I still have weight to lose and I will continue to work on my weight loss for the rest of the year. However, I feel really proud of myself and motivated to keep going.  Maybe I'll never be the "perfect" weight, but I can be healthier overall and prove that my condition exists at any weight. I hope to find a happy medium and work towards that. I'll check in again a few months from now, but until then I'm going to celebrate my current success, not of the weight loss but of my immense effort producing results. All my hard work is what matters. I made the impossible possible for myself. Now, I want to revel in that for a little bit.

-Dana.


Have you ever lost a large amount of weight? How did you feel losing weight? Do you maintain the weight loss? Sound off in the comments section!

I never thought I would be able to exercise with Fibromyalgia. Getting out of bed seemed like a physical feat on it's own. How on Earth was I supposed to supplement my weight loss if I could barely get myself to the bathroom?

In a previous post, I discussed my weight loss plan involving Calorie Counting on my Fitbit. Well, as it turns out when the Fitbit tracks my calories burned it adds to it every time I exercise. So if I go for a long walk, my calories burned will jump up. I can even walk around my house and it still counts as exercise so long as I get my heart rate up. This shocked me. Just walking around, gently and at my own pace, could increase my calorie burn. That let me eat more and still meet my weight loss goals. I thought it was a bit of a joke, that my fitbit was lying. But every week I continued to meet or exceed my weight loss goals by adding more steps. I was so pleasantly surprised and empowered that I started walking more when I wanted a snack. I felt motivated to push myself because I knew I had something that worked. This changed my beliefs about exercise and I felt more confident that I could really keep this routine up.

Around the time I figured out the whole stepping burns calories thing, I was instructed by one of my doctors to try a water fitness program. She wanted me in the pool, exercising gently once a week. I scoffed. That was out of the question. Getting to the pool, let alone working out for almost an hour, seemed impossible in my condition. Then my mother, who is recovering from major abdominal surgery, agreed to join me in this program. It would help her recovery, I would have a ride to the pool and I would have the support to keep going. Still, I didn't know if I could do it, if I could push through the pain.

Here's a list of some of the activities the doctor requested I complete:

• Forwards Walking 5 Mins 
• Backwards Walking 5 Mins  
• Side Step 5 Mins  
• Single Leg Balance 10 X Each Leg  
• Squats 20 X  
• Hip Flexion & Extension 10 X Each Leg 
• Arm Circles 10 X  
• Calf Raises 20 X

Getting in the pool changed my tune real quick though. I don't know exactly why, but I felt so soothed by the water and the weightlessness. My nerves calms and my muscles relaxed. The pain was lesser and when I began doing the stretches and basic aerobics the doctor requested, I found that while challenging the routine wasn't hard. Furthermore, when I added the workout information to my Fitbit, it helped me burn extra calories! After a few weeks, the pool program became a regular thing and I loved it. Spending the time with my mom and enjoying the water, I enjoyed it all.  Sure, instead of a regular "work out" I get a "swim out", but it works for me. The only thing I don't like is how heavy and sore I feel getting out of the pool. Too bad I can't live underwater, maybe my fibromyalgia pain wouldn't be so bad!

While exercising used to be entirely out of reach for me, a few small changes made it a regular and easy addition to my lifestyle. I'm very shocked to say that I'm enjoying it. Turning 24, setting these goals for myself, it's really changed my perspective. I can't wait to see what else this year brings!

-Dana.


Have you found any gentle exercises that work for you? Do you like aquafit programs? Have you ever used step counters for weight loss? Let me know what works for you in the comments!

A few weeks ago, I created a goal list to complete by my 25th birthday that included weight loss. This specific goal feels like the biggest challenge on the list. How am I supposed to drop pounds when my Fibromyalgia keeps me housebound? When I can barely cook for myself? When I can't digest a lot of vegetables?

It seemed like a throwaway goal. Like I set the bar too high. Still, I set the goal because I wanted to achieve it. I didn't give myself a specific amount of weight because I felt that was unfair. I didn't want to fail to meet a certain level and then backslide because I was ashamed. So, I decided to research weight loss techniques that were more flexible. I needed something that let me eat whatever I wanted while not feeling deprived. You know, the ideal diet that everyone wants when they set out to lose weight... Yeah, I didn't think I'd find anything.

Then I did. I stumbled upon weight loss discussions in various forums that discussed Calorie Counting. I always thought that it was bad; it made me think of Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig, systems that were expensive and didn't work very well if you ate food off menu. However, from my research I soon discovered that weight loss was a simple equation. "Calories In" needs to be less than "Calories Out". That's it. If I could eat just a little less than I burned, eventually the weight would come off with very little effort on my part. This meant I could still eat at restaurants, that I could still have sweets and pasta. I just needed to portion things better and plan my meals accordingly.  So, I went to TDEE Calculator and sorted out my numbers according to my activity level. It was somewhat low because of my height, gender, and activity level. Still, I could work within it. I could also eat dinners with my ravenous partner as long as I followed portion control rules.

The most involved part of this was tracking everything I ate. This meant snacks, drinks and even licking the spoon after cooking. The piece of gum I chewed to freshen my breath? Count it. That little nibble off my partner's fork? Count it. The sip of my friend's drink to prove how bad it tasted? Yep, count it.  It felt a little daunting, but I already had a tracking function built into my Fitbit App. This would come in handy because my Fitbit already tracked my calorie burn. It tracked how many calories I expended just by existing and how many I burned while doing basic daily tasks. This gave me a much higher number than my estimates on the calculator and I was able to eat until I was full each day while still losing weight! It feels like I've actually found something that works.

As of today, I've lost 7 lbs just by calorie counting. It's a small number, but the losses have been steady every week. If I keep this up maybe the weight loss goal won't be so bad after all.

-Dana.


Have you ever tried calorie counting? What diet works for you? Do you use apps to assist in your weight loss? Tell me what you think below!