I've put a lot of pressure on myself since setting my goals for 25. I really want to achieve them and I thought clearing my skin would be the easiest one considering I'd been working on it for so long. Unfortunately, last month's set back really threw me through a loop. Then, things continued to get worse.

      I felt like nothing I did was working. I felt like my face was redder and angrier than ever before. Turns out, I was right.

      With all the pressure I'd put on myself, I'd started being super strict about cleaning my skin (way too often). I was also using a harsh serum (12.5% Vitamin C) when I probably should've started with a lower dose. Worst of all, I was picking at any little imperfection until my skin cracked and bled. This caused redness and more scarring. Trying to make myself better I just made everything worse.

      So, I decided to do something similar to my basic routine from a year ago when I wrecked my skin. I only cleanse with water in the mornings. Cerave Foaming Cleanser is only for night time. Next, I stopped using heavy toners and switched to Thayer's Fragrance Free Witch Hazel toner. It's very gentle, listed as an SCA Holy Grail product, and alcohol free too. Then, most begrudgingly, I set aside the Vitamin C Serum since it felt a bit harsh. It was expensive and I felt it was a bit of a waste, but I needed to start over.

      My routine is much simpler now, and I'm hoping my skin can recover over the next couple months. I'll have to resist picking (which feels impossible) but I can see that it's counterproductive. We'll see how my skin fares in the warmer weather, but I have high hopes. Maybe hitting rock bottom was what I needed to find success.

-Dana.


What was your worst skincare setback? Did one of your favourite products suddenly cause a reaction? Have you ever had to get rid of an expensive product? Tell me in the comments section!

You know, I'm really tired of spending money hand over fist because of a few pimples. Unfortunately, after my fiasco a year ago due to basic drugstore brands, I felt I needed to try the more expensive products. Sure, they haven't harmed me one bit. But have they helped? That question is harder to respond to than I'd like.

Short answer? No. Long answer? Still no.

Maybe cleansing my face everyday has helped a tiny bit. However, any basic cleanser could do that. From my readings on r/SkincareAddiction, I learned that there are safe and gentle drugstore brands for skincare. Ones that didn't cost hundreds of dollars. I mean, in total over the last year I spent more than $1200 on skincare products. Worse yet, I don't think my skin looks any different that before I started Lush last May. YIKES!

I feel a bit scammed. Skincare is such a tricky thing and it's very subjective. What works for one person doesn't for another. I understand the need for variety, but preying on people who are desperate for solutions and vulnerable due to self-esteem issues is pretty crummy. Thanks capitalism.

Well, I think I've learned my lesson. No more trying brands in a sweeping manner without tons of research. I've read so much about my skin type and conditions via SCA and I will continue to do so. Over the next month, I'll be phasing out most of my Kiehl's products (except the Vitamin C serum. I can only order that online from other brands). In their stead, I'm switching to Cerave cleansers and moisturizers. As for a toner, it's really up in the air right now. Maybe I won't use one at all for a while and see how I fair. Still, I'm going to keep my eye out for something soothing and cheap!

Setbacks are normal, but this is a bit rough. I'm only two months into truly pushing myself on skincare and to lose a whole year's worth of work really sucks. Maybe this spring will go better.

-Dana.


What products did you feel scammed by? Did you buy anything that you later felt was overpriced? Do you find expensive skincare routines worth it? Leave me a message down below!

On television, often when celebrities or the rich elite are depicted, you'll see women getting expensive facials at spas rather than at home face-masks. I always thought those were a little ridiculous. If I can do this at home for cheap, why would I pay someone else to do it?

Oh, am I sure eating some crow now.

Over the Christmas holidays, my lovely partner bought me a day of pampering at a local spa. This was so sweet of him and, with my current obsession with skincare, I was super excited.  When I arrive at the spa and began my other treatments, the whole time my mind was focused on the facial. Was it going to do anything? Was it a gimmick? Would I look like a fresh faced baby?

The treatment I selected was designed for acne and involved chemical exfoliation using fruit enzymes. (You know how pineapple tingles when you eat it? It's because the pineapple is breaking down the cells on your tongue. It can be used to exfoliate skin too!) When I laid down for the experience, I was really pleased with how many steps were involved. My boyfriend had paid over $100 for this treatment and I definitely wanted it to be worth it. We spent about half an hour steaming and rubbing and extracting. Then came the actual facial. We did the chemical exfoliation first and the esthetician mentioned it might tingle... Wow, what an understatement.

It didn't tingle. It didn't feel fresh or even itchy. No. It BURNED.

I mentioned this to the esthetician to which she said, "Yep, that's normal." Normal to feel like my face is melting off like the cheese sliding off a slice of pizza. Okay. Sure. Then I had to sit there for 10 minutes with that shit on my face. When the woman left the room, I said a few choice words to myself. The lava began to settle into my pores and I started to accept that this was my life now. I would be fire face. Maybe you could cover up exposed muscle with foundation.

Time ticked by slowly and I spent the majority of the time screaming internally until she returned and took it off. Once the chemical exfoliation was removed, I shivered in pleasure. It was so nice to not feel the burning I was relishing in it. Next came the soothing oatmeal mask, which felt like ice after the magma treatment. When all was said and done, I got up from the table and swore to never come back. Those rich ladies on TV were nuts, this was awful. Only insane people who had killed all the nerve endings in their face with plastic surgery would do this.  Then I looked in a mirror...

Damn. I looked good. Smooth, clearer. I still had skin, really good skin, even though it felt like I left it on the spa floor. I thanked the esthetician and tipped well, noticeably quiet as I contemplated what had just occurred.

The following month, I had some of the best skin of my life. Clearer than usual and so soft. I even felt confident enough to not wear make-up. The only difference was the expensive facial. It felt like a revelation and I realized that maybe facials were worth the money. Eventually, my skin went back to being it's naughty self and I longed for another face-melting that drained my bank account.

So was it worth it? Yes and no. I didn't like the experience of the burning exfoliation, but I loved the results. If it weren't so expensive, I'd do it more often.  However, it's nice to know that it's a viable option when I can afford it. Doing regular upkeep for it would be a big hit to my wallet as they recommend you do it every six weeks (which is when my skin started to freak out again). So, maybe I understand how these wealthy women do this regularly if it shows such good results. Beauty is pain, apparently. For good skincare, you start to become a masochist if something works. You want the burning just for the results.

While this facial won't be a regular addition to my routine, I'm pleased to have tried it. I will definitely keep this in mind if I ever have a skin emergency again.

-Dana.

Have you ever tried chemical exfoliation? Did you get a strange facial at a spa? What was your experience like? Let me know in the comments!

What on earth am I supposed to do with myself?

I'm asking honestly here. My partner and I haven't been apart for more than three days prior to this and him being gone six days for a conference seems like an eternity. We aren't very co-dependent, we tend to do our own things, but generally we're just around each other or in the same space when we're both home. My schedule also tends to revolve around his since I don't work much due to my illness. I go to bed when he goes to bed, I wake up when he wakes up (maybe I go back to sleep after, but he's like my first alarm for the day. I know it's morning when he's up and moving.), and I plan to eat/make dinner around when he gets home from work. While I'm super excited that he gets to go abroad for this conference (all the way to Sweden no less!), I'm also a bit beside myself as I have no idea what this next week is going to look like.

Kissing him goodbye this morning was surreal and I felt nervous. I'm going to miss him and worry about him like crazy, but this is something I should get used to doing. He may have to go on more business trips as time goes on. For now, I'll just settle in and do things on...my schedule? Ugh, that sounds weird. I'll just keep busy by watching dramas I need to catch up on and working on my partner's crafty Christmas present.

And yes, Netflix, I'm still awake. Please play the next episode, I'm trying to see how many it takes until this week is over.

Dana~


"Have you ever struggled being apart from your significant other? Do you like it when they go away on business/personal trips? Do you go with them every time they travel? Leave me a comment below!"

Well, it's been a few months since I began using Lush's face routine. I also reviewed the routine at the one month mark which you can read in part three of my skincare adventures. Now, as time went on, the routine changed a little bit here and there. I started to notice certain things working and other things just not working at all.

Over the summer, with a lovely heatwave and subsequent drought, my skin went through quite a bit. There was a lot of sweating and harsh temperature changes as I went from hot outdoors to cool air-conditioned rooms. It was interesting to see if the Lush products would withstand this test. Not all survived and those losers happened to be in the morning routine.

Now this is a bit sad to report seeing as I really raved about Kalamazoo and Enzymion in my last post. However, I found that over a period of a few months both those products left me feeling super oily and gross during the day. Also, a few weeks after my last post, I noticed I was starting to develop even more acne and these spots only seemed to appear in the afternoon. So as sad as I was to do it, I scrapped Kalamazoo and Enzymion from my routine and made my night routine a twice a day event. This helped clear up some of the new acne problems I developed and I started to feel a little cleaner during the day.

However, after 4 months of use, I'm still not seeing any major improvement in the original issues I had. My acne is less, sure, but not by very much. I still get pretty oily by mid-day, and my pores are still damn huge! Overall, for the money I spent I'm pretty disappointed by my results. For now, I will continue to use Coalface and Grease Lightning until I figure out my next routine in this adventure.

The updated score for the Lush routine is 5/10.

Dana~

My skin has slowly recovered from my last foray into cleansing products but it took almost a month of just plain water washing to get it there. The stress from my move did not help, and let's just say it's time to tackle my acne once more.

Now after the issues I had with heavy duty cleansers like Neutrogena and OXY, I figured it was time to try something a little more natural and if I was going to go that route why not turn to a great local company? Of course, my choice was going to be Lush. Since I moved to Burnaby a couple months back, I've been spending more and more time at Metropolis at Metrotown. This means I end up passing by the beautiful smelling Lush store on the regular and it's really hard not to follow those lovely scents into the shop. Well, about a month I go I ventured into the Lush store and decided to ask for some help finding a skincare routine to deal with my acne.

One of the lovely ladies in the soap section happily sat down with me and demonstrated several products for me. We went over my needs and she showed me a variety of things that could help. I also ended up a learning a thing or two about what my previous routines have been lacking. Turns out, moisturizer is a thing. Also, it should be used daily. I felt a little hesitant (oh, god the oil slicks!), but I was assured that moisturizer is necessary for every skin type.

Anyways, at the end I walked away with a bar of Coalface, a pot of Kalamazoo, a pot of Enzymion, a pot of Dark Angels, a tub of Cup O' Coffee, a tall bottle of Tea Tree Water and a little bottle of Grease Lighting. This was an expensive trip, but I felt determined at this point. I had a whole routine and it was supposedly much better for my skin than the harsher drugstore products.

Now this routine was a bit complex for me, the person who balks at washing her face twice a day. So a typical day in the life of this routine was a bit long. In the morning, I'd wash my face with Kalamazoo and put on the moisturizer Enzymion afterwards. If I showered, I would put Cup O' Coffee on for 15 minutes prior to getting into the shower. If it was the end of the week, I would skip Cup O' Coffee and instead use Dark Angel in the shower and let it sit while I washed my hair.  If at any point during the day I felt oily, I was to spritz some Tea Tree Water on and let that sit on my face while dabbing anything that dripped off my chin with a tissue.  At night, I was supposed to wash my face using the Coalface bar. Afterwards, I would then apply Grease Lightning to any spots on my face.

Did that seem like a lot to you? It certainly felt like a lot to me. I gave up on Cup O' Coffee within about a week. Showering was already a chore for me as the warm water and standing were painful due to my fibromyalgia, so working up to having a shower finally and then having to wait another 15 minutes was just not worth it. The Tea Tree Water also fell to the wayside. It felt a little gimmicky and I didn't really enjoy sitting around with a wet face.

Overall though, I really liked the face washing routine. Kalamazoo in the morning, followed by Enzymion and Coalface at night followed by Grease Lighting seemed to be working. My acne was lessening and I noticed my pores felt a little tighter, maybe even smaller.  The Enzymion and Kalamazoo smell amazing and I loved smelling citrus-y in the morning. My partner loved the scent too. Using the Coalface bar was a strange experience, I didn't like the scent (I mean, who likes black licorice anyway?) and it was strange to actually rub my face with a bar of soap. The Grease Lighting though was the fun part because after about five minutes it felt like my face skin had been clamped with clothes pins on either side. It was quite the silly feeling, but I think the night routine as a whole was having the biggest impact on my acne.

I'll give this Lush routine a 7/10 for now. I'm going to continue using it over the summer and I'll post an update as part four of this series.

Dana~

I know I'm a little old to be moving out for the first time, (and if you count my time in England, this is actually my second move) but I feel like everything's going to change and I'm both excited and a little scared.

I can totally do this. Paying bills, grocery shopping by myself and all that jazz isn't a problem; I've done that. The packing and moving of furniture, with the help of friends and family, also isn't the hard part. I think leaving my parents home for, what I assume will be, good is a bit scary. I love them to death, and being apart from them while abroad was really hard. They are my support system and I worry about them a lot. Coming downstairs to tell my parents something new I learned or to discuss the news I just read was something I really enjoyed. Dinners where we all sat down and watched a movie on demand or holidays where we decorated to the nines are some of my best memories. The thought of giving that up hurts.

To be fair though, I'm not giving it all up really. I still get to see my parents a couple times a week as we're only a half-hour's drive apart. I can call and talk to them whenever as well. We can go over to each other's house for coffee and tea. We can still visit for holidays. Somewhere deep down though, I know it won't be the same. However, that's okay. I'm moving on into a new chapter in my life. I'm moving in with my partner and a group of friends closer to the city than I've ever been. The SkyTrain is almost on my doorstep and I can now do things my way instead of the method my family prefers. There's a lot more freedom in this new chapter and with it comes more opportunities for discovering new quirks about myself. I get to grow and develop in new directions that I never even considered.

This will be a good change for me, but I'll still always miss and be grateful to my Mom and Dad.

After my initial test of washing my face with water, I decided it was time to move onto the tried and true methods. For my next test, I wanted to try out a routine that I was familiar with as a teenager. Ooh, can't you just smell the salicylic acid already? Yes, that's right I tried Neutrogena and OXY. Most specifically, I used Neutrogena Oil-Free Acne Wash Cleansing Cloths and OXY Deep Cleaning Medicated Acne Pads.

Now, the Neutrogena cloths I remember using as a kid because my mom bought them to help clean up my acne. They came in a deep blue box back then and I hated them. It was just another chore to me and I wasn't about to do that. (Sorry, Mom.)  Anyways, now they come in this lovely orange box and I almost missed that deep blue box that eventually came to hold my pencils and other knick-knacks.

The OXY pads on the other hand were not something I used, but had been recommended to me by my partner as he used them growing up. They had a much stronger smell than I was expecting and came in a stark black and red little bottle. I figured from the way they were presented that the OXY pads would be the stronger of the two products.

My basic routine using the cloth and pads went like this: I washed my face twice a day using the Neutrogena cloths and a little bit of warm water. Afterwards, I would dry my face with a towel and then I'd apply one of the OXY pads to my skin. It was pretty simple to follow and hard to mess up.

After trying them for a month, I learned a fair bit about my skin and what it likes. It did not like this

Yes, my acne appeared to get a little bit better. I had less super large pimples, but breakouts still occurred and they didn't seem to go away any faster either. My pores were still huge and the blackheads never went away. The only major change was that I was no longer oily! Nope, no more oil slicks. Just so much dryness. My face became the Sahara, and I was not impressed. Honestly, I think I need to go back to just a water cleanse for a while before I try a new product.
routine, not at all. Now I don't have dry skin, not even close. However, while using this routine, my skin decided it hated moisture and began to flake. Yuck! That was not what I was expecting at all.

I'm going to give the Neutrogena cloths and OXY pads a 4/10 for lessening the acne and killing the oil-slick, but it created a whole new dryness problem that I now need to find a way to fix.

Dana~

While I would usually jump into something with both feet, I felt like throwing everything at my skin right away was a bad idea. So the first thing I decided to try was washing my face with... (wait for it!)... water. Yes, you heard me. Plain water. This idea was less of a whole routine to try, but mostly to get a baseline for my skin and for my rating system. As far as I know, I have oily skin which is why I get so many zits. Hopefully, even a little cleansing will nip that in the bud.

As I mature, I start to realize the importance of all those things I considered boring or insignificant. Most recently, I've come to terms with the fact that my mother was not being a nag when she urged me to look after my skin. Naive teenage me figured that since washing my face once didn't make a difference in my appearance, why would continuous washing work? Yeah, I wasn't very bright. Thank you puberty hormones for making me short-sighted during your tenure in my body.

Anyways, I decided that this year I'm going to start looking after my skin and putting more effort into keeping it healthy. Being 22, I don't have to worry about wrinkles yet but I do have some issues I'd like to clear up. Also, since I was diagnosed with PCOS a number of years ago, this may be extra challenging as my hormones will interfere with some results. So for the next year, or however long it takes to solve most or all of my problems, I will be trying different routine and products to improve my skin. Below are the issues that I'd like to solve:

• Acne
  - Clear up pimples
  - Prevent future breakouts
• Oiliness
  - Keep skin from becoming an oil slick by 5 p.m.
• Large Pores
  - Shrink pores
  - Eliminate blackheads
• Moisture Level
  - Find a balance between oily and dry so that skin is well-hydrated but not shiny

I will rate each product/routine out of 10 and discuss how well they worked for my skin. By the end of this journey, I hope to find a daily/weekly routine to maintain my skin's health and appearance. I plan to try everything under the sun, ranging from heavy duty cleansers to all natural organic soaps. My fingers are crossed that the best routine doesn't mean the most expensive, but I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Dana~


"What skin issues are you fighting? Have you found your skincare holy grail? Do you have any suggestions for me? Am I insane for even trying this? Leave your ideas and thoughts in the comments below!"

I thought receiving a diagnosis was an achievement in and of itself. I thought everything that came next couldn't be as bad. The logic was, "If I know what's wrong with me, I know what I can do to help fix it." I never counted on my illness begin incurable. Modern medicine is so advanced that we've made AIDS treatable to the point that it's very unlikely to die from it anymore; so in my mind there shouldn't be many incurable illnesses left. Turns out, not only was I wrong, but I was being very naive.

Fibromyalgia is what I was diagnosed with recently after decade of searching for answers. It is a chronic pain condition that causes widespread pain throughout my body as well as sleep problems, sensitivity to high/low temperatures, muscle spasms, overactive nerves, bad joints, fatigue and many other issues. Basically, I can't walk very far or stand for very long and using my joints for prolonged periods of time can cause serious problems. On my bad days, I end up confined to bed rest. Even on my good days, I can really only tackle a couple short tasks or run one errand without causing a painful flare for the rest of the week.

While knowledge is power and knowing what caused all these problems helped me, I didn't realize how limited my treatment options were. Exercise is usually the blanket, throw-away advice from doctors and rheumatologists. However, it only seems to help a small portion of fibro patients improve, for some it can make the pain much worse. I, unfortunately, ended up in the latter group. As I continued my research post-diagnosis, I found that there was very little new information on treatment. "Pain management" was a term used most often, talking about how to learn to live with the pain. It also seemed that there was very little research going on about how to cure fibromyalgia patients and most efforts seemed focused on just dealing with the pain. Learning this broke my heart. They weren't trying to make us better, they just wanted us to complain less and do more. (Shut up and be useful.) This kind of thinking is not helpful for the patients who just want to be better, who want to eventually be pain-free. For now, we accept that pain-free may not happen, but we need to hope it is a possibility. Hope is all we have.

Around this time, I heard the phrase, "Fibro won't kill you, but you'll suffer every day until you die of old age." While that isn't the greatest outlook to have, as a person with this disease I feel like it still rings true. Fibromyalgia as it stands is a life sentence of pain, insomnia, and the inability to complete basic daily tasks. Like many fibro sufferers, I can't work. Since my wrists lock up, it makes it hard to drive a car or use a computer for long periods of time. Working retail or any other minimum wage job that would have me on my feet most of the day also wouldn't work as I usually can't walk or stand for longer than five minutes at a time. The only other choice is working as a call center employee, but with the emotional toll that can take on a person's mental health, it's extra dangerous for a fibro patient to take on that kind of work. This is because fibromyalgia patients have a suicide rate 10 times higher than the general population [1][2]. The cause for the high suicide rate is split between the fact that fibromyalgia cause severe depression due to pain levels and the anti-depressants with suicidal side effects often prescribed to fibro patients to treat their pain.

Speaking of treating the pain with prescriptions, there aren't many options in that department either. Anti-depressants are usually prescribed as fibro patients often present as severely depressed and many doctor's believe the pain to be psychological. (It's all in our heads! No.) There are some pills that some patients have had limited success with such as Lyrica and Gabapentin, but, like exercise, they only seem to work for a small portion of sufferers. Many fibromyalgia patients then go on to rely on opioid prescriptions like Tramadol to make it through the day. The problem there is that with the number of overdose and addiction victims rising, doctors have been taking away valid opioid prescriptions from non-addicted chronic pain patients [3][4][5]. This leads to loss of function and increased pain flares for patients who had returned to almost full function. Unfortunately, this problem is not being addressed as the chronic pain community doesn't seem to have a voice loud enough to be heard over the shouting about overdose deaths.

Therefore, fibromyalgia patients find themselves in quite a bind. We can't work, and sometimes even taking care of ourselves is too much. Adding onto the fact that there just isn't enough research being done to cure us and chronic pain patients losing access to their prescriptions, we can easily start to feel like we've been imprisoned in our own bodies. I continue my own research and participating in fibromyalgia communities in the hope that I can find ways to ease the pain and break free of this life sentence.

Dana~


"Do you suffer with chronic pain? What's your biggest hurdle? What treatment have you found to be the most helpful? Let me know in the comments below."

I give in really easily, especially to people I care about. I always do my best to please those that matter. I try to make even strangers happy. I like to spread smiles and do my best so others feel their best. Sometimes though, the weight of it all crushes me.

I got  to my lowest point earlier this year when I had been crushed over and over again; my kindness was abused by someone I truly cared about. I fought to put that behind me and learn to only do what I can.  I give a lot of myself, but not everything. I too deserve to feel my best just like the others I'm always trying to help. I moved on and made new friends. I found another very special person who has helped me see that there is a balance between doing good for others and doing good for myself. This balance has helped me find happiness. I created positive change in my life and I am determined to keep it that way.

This week my determination was tested. Do I give of myself too much once again? Do I let someone else's happiness override my own well-being, just because they are in need? Do I accept the hurt and the sorrow, simply so they don't have to face a situation of their own creation?

"No."

It was difficult, but it was the right choice. I'm happier for it and I won't let anyone use my kindness against me ever again.

~Dana

I have always heard that once you hit rock bottom, you can only go upwards. I took that to mean that when everything goes wrong and I have to start over, that I will eventually be able to bring good things back into my life. Effort would be required, as it always is, but I would still find happiness. I clung to this ideal when life got rough this year.

Then, on one of my darkest days, something surprising happened. A positive and optimistic presence entered my life. The tears stopped. The frustration melted away. The hurt faded. In time, all that was wrong finally started to become a memory. This good influence on my life gave me the strength to believe in hope again. I remembered what it was like to be honestly happy, and not wearing the facade of happiness while I juggled emotional hurt and general frustration with life below the surface.

I'm not saying the new presence caused my happiness, I do not need to rely on something or someone outside of myself to be happy. What happened was that positivity reminded me about all that is good in life and all the good I have to look forward to in my future. By coming to terms with whats happened and remembering I have more to do as I move forward, I was able to find peace with myself and ultimately find my own happiness again. Hello, personal joy, I missed you. I won't let negativity steal away my awesome optimism and internal contentment. It's a lot more fun this way.

Dana~

Living in the Lower Mainland for most of my life, I should be accustomed to walking around at night. I grew up in Surrey, right around Guildford Mall. The area was peaceful, but always known for gang activity. My family kept me indoors at night unless we went out together. But still, I was never afraid really. Late at night, I could walk from our house to the Mac's store three blocks away without being scared. It was a breeze to me.

In 2012, I moved to East Richmond so I could be close to my college and my parents closer to their work. I started using public transit alone for the first time to get to class every day. I was always hyper aware on transit, protecting my bag and keeping an eye on those around me. When my classes ran late and I had to take transit at night, I began to feel nervous. Thank goodness my college was right next to a SkyTrain station. The only worrisome part was waiting for the bus home from the SkyTrain station nearest to my neighbourhood. But it happened to be well-lit and often transit police hung around that station since it was such a popular stop.

Now that I'm taking French night classes in Vancouver though, I have to walk quite a few blocks to the SkyTrain long after dark. The people look different without daylight to reveal their features. I'm sure most of them aren't bad, but you can never tell a person's intentions especially in the dark. My route is not really well lit despite being in the downtown core. I walk by quite a few bars and their rowdy patrons too. I feel as if each passer-by gives me a strange look, their faces distorted by the shadows. My fears seep in and suddenly all those people who seemed normal in the day could be potential threats. Is it the darkness that creates these monsters? Is it my own mind? I know to be aware in general as anyone can be bad. They could steal your belongings or hurt you for the sake of it. Overall, though, I should not fear all people because you can't live like that. Besides, even though we all have the capacity for evil, I doubt the majority are any different from myself. Still, late at night on my way home, I feel the hairs on the back of my neck tingle. My stomach flip-flops and I hug my bag tighter. I guess I'm going to have to start walking with my keys between my fingers, just for peace of mind. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I was sure thankful one of my friends lives near by and is willing to take me part of the way home some nights. The shadows might be in my mind, illusions of the dark, but I would still prefer to be safe rather than sorry.

Dana~

So my dream of living abroad has come to an end. After much hesitation, I decided I just couldn't handle it anymore. I was sick all the time, jobless and stressed out. There was too much drama in my living situation that the normal stress of my poor health and my endless job hunt were amplified. So I packed my bags, apologized to my partner and flew home. I was uncertain where I stood with my partner. I told him I'd try to come back. But I don't know. I need to find myself and get well before any decisions are made.

For now I'm so happy to be home. I'm enjoying Canadian food that doesn't make me sick and spending time with my family. I get to retire to my own bed with it's soft memory foam mattress. Yes, I miss my partner, but I know I need this. My anxieties need to clear up and I must get my health back. I hated making this choice. However, my mood improvement already shows I chose correctly.

So, after only four months...My life abroad is over. Still, I learned a lot about myself and how to be independent. I can cook for myself and I'm comfortable doing so. I know how to shop efficiently and search out deals. I can manage all household chores and keep up with bills. This adventure has given me so many life skills. Better still, I found out what it was like to live with a partner for the first time as well as what it's like to live on very little money. I do not regret the move one iota.

Dana~

Life in the UK isn't as awesome as I had hoped. Things with my partner are tense to say the least...His family drama has pushed me to the edge and put him into a miserable place. Nothing I do snaps him out of it.  Worse still, I haven't found work and I'm really worried about our money situation. Also, I realized no matter how careful I am, the food here keeps causing IBS flare ups. I'm in agony all the time and I've lost 30lbs because I can barely eat. I miss home everyday. I miss my family.

The stress pushed me too far the other day. I broke down. I found myself wandering aimlessly in town again and I couldn't take the pressure anymore. I was at my worst when this was supposed to be a great time in my life. So I reached out to a charity counselling group. They set me up with a support worker and a counselor. Meeting the support worker helped me right away. I felt more confident and less trapped in my own head. She gave me support and tough love, both of which I desperately needed. She also gave me more resources to look after myself. I left the meeting with pamphlets, notes and a new outlook. I knew things weren't going to be amazing, but maybe I could pull myself out of this funk.

I have my first appointment with the counselor next week. I picked a male counselor because I thought he could give me a better point of view on how my boyfriend was feeling. I wanted to be objective about everything and fair to his position. Fingers crossed this helps me sort out my anxieties.

Dana~