I know I'm a little old to be moving out for the first time, (and if you count my time in England, this is actually my second move) but I feel like everything's going to change and I'm both excited and a little scared.

I can totally do this. Paying bills, grocery shopping by myself and all that jazz isn't a problem; I've done that. The packing and moving of furniture, with the help of friends and family, also isn't the hard part. I think leaving my parents home for, what I assume will be, good is a bit scary. I love them to death, and being apart from them while abroad was really hard. They are my support system and I worry about them a lot. Coming downstairs to tell my parents something new I learned or to discuss the news I just read was something I really enjoyed. Dinners where we all sat down and watched a movie on demand or holidays where we decorated to the nines are some of my best memories. The thought of giving that up hurts.

To be fair though, I'm not giving it all up really. I still get to see my parents a couple times a week as we're only a half-hour's drive apart. I can call and talk to them whenever as well. We can go over to each other's house for coffee and tea. We can still visit for holidays. Somewhere deep down though, I know it won't be the same. However, that's okay. I'm moving on into a new chapter in my life. I'm moving in with my partner and a group of friends closer to the city than I've ever been. The SkyTrain is almost on my doorstep and I can now do things my way instead of the method my family prefers. There's a lot more freedom in this new chapter and with it comes more opportunities for discovering new quirks about myself. I get to grow and develop in new directions that I never even considered.

This will be a good change for me, but I'll still always miss and be grateful to my Mom and Dad.

I give in really easily, especially to people I care about. I always do my best to please those that matter. I try to make even strangers happy. I like to spread smiles and do my best so others feel their best. Sometimes though, the weight of it all crushes me.

I got  to my lowest point earlier this year when I had been crushed over and over again; my kindness was abused by someone I truly cared about. I fought to put that behind me and learn to only do what I can.  I give a lot of myself, but not everything. I too deserve to feel my best just like the others I'm always trying to help. I moved on and made new friends. I found another very special person who has helped me see that there is a balance between doing good for others and doing good for myself. This balance has helped me find happiness. I created positive change in my life and I am determined to keep it that way.

This week my determination was tested. Do I give of myself too much once again? Do I let someone else's happiness override my own well-being, just because they are in need? Do I accept the hurt and the sorrow, simply so they don't have to face a situation of their own creation?

"No."

It was difficult, but it was the right choice. I'm happier for it and I won't let anyone use my kindness against me ever again.

~Dana

I have always heard that once you hit rock bottom, you can only go upwards. I took that to mean that when everything goes wrong and I have to start over, that I will eventually be able to bring good things back into my life. Effort would be required, as it always is, but I would still find happiness. I clung to this ideal when life got rough this year.

Then, on one of my darkest days, something surprising happened. A positive and optimistic presence entered my life. The tears stopped. The frustration melted away. The hurt faded. In time, all that was wrong finally started to become a memory. This good influence on my life gave me the strength to believe in hope again. I remembered what it was like to be honestly happy, and not wearing the facade of happiness while I juggled emotional hurt and general frustration with life below the surface.

I'm not saying the new presence caused my happiness, I do not need to rely on something or someone outside of myself to be happy. What happened was that positivity reminded me about all that is good in life and all the good I have to look forward to in my future. By coming to terms with whats happened and remembering I have more to do as I move forward, I was able to find peace with myself and ultimately find my own happiness again. Hello, personal joy, I missed you. I won't let negativity steal away my awesome optimism and internal contentment. It's a lot more fun this way.

Dana~

I find life has a way of surprising me. It can be something very simple too. Something I noticed in a book, an advertisement on a bus bunch or even something I hear over the radio. This time it was an early morning re-run of "Steven & Chris" about a week ago.

I had a rough night, arguing with my partner and generally not sleeping well. I woke up at 3 a.m. decidedly frustrated with constant nightmares. I was playing on my 3DS until about 4 a.m. when I heard my mother knock on my door. She had fallen asleep just after dinner due to jet lag and was blearily staring at me from my doorway.

"Why aren't you asleep?" she grumbled.

I barely looked up from my game to respond, "I slept a little, now I'm awake. Are you ok?"

She nodded with a huff and plodded down the stairs in search of coffee. I closed my game and followed my mother. We hadn't spent much time together since she returned from her last business trip and I really needed the company. After about thirty minutes of making coffee and taking turns in the washroom, we settled into the living room and turned on the TV. Mom flicked it to "Steven & Chris" so we could have cheery background noise while we spoke.

I lamented to her about my situation and asked for advice, she explained I was doing the right thing. She expressed the fact that she didn't know what else to do to help me. I said all I wanted was hugs. In general, it was a normal mother-daughter conversation. However, as we were chatting I found myself constantly interrupted by a loud, effeminate voice on our TV.  It was the talk show host, Chris. He was going on about yoga poses and making silly comments. His laugh though, caused my mother and I to burst into fits of giggles. His charisma was infectious. We laughed about him and noted how him and his partner were such a good match. My mother commented on his happy and sweet demeanor. He was sassy and lovely. We both agreed that he belonged on television.

That memory stuck in my head that day because it was one of the first honest conversations I had with my mother about my love life, and we shared that moment over an episode of "Steven & Chris". If anything, the program added to our moment and gave us little bits of laughter and joy.

So it was very sad for me to hear of Chris Hyndman's passing today. I was shocked. It hadn't been even a week since I saw the program and shared that time with my mother. He was young, healthy and happy. I couldn't believe it at first, even thinking back to the date on the program we watched.  I had actually grown up watching Chris on all of his and Steven's various shows, specifically "Design Guys". It was unbelievable to think he was gone. But it was true, and a little piece of my heart broke off. All I could think of was how much Steven and his family must miss him...

This news surprised me as it meant the loss of someone who made even the smallest difference in my life. It was his laughter and amazing persona that solidified that moment in time for me. I remember the giggles and conversation I shared with my mother at 5 a.m. because of his wondrous way with words. All I can say is thank you and I hope Chris is in a better place.

Dana~