Fatness isn't inherently bad. 

       I felt like I needed to say this, especially after all I've learned losing weight this last year. It's been a long, difficult journey that's been peppered with self-loathing and dealing with my own internal biases. I've recently discovered fat activism and it's changed my perspective on weight loss as well as health. There's a lot to unpack there, but I'll come back to it.

       In early 2018, I had a conversation with one of my doctors about my chronic pain condition, Fibromyalgia. She suggested that if I simply lost weight, I'd feel less pain. But I knew that wasn't right. Two years prior to that conversation, I weighed 70lbs less and was in the worst pain of my life. It was then that I was diagnosed. The extra weight had piled on from medications and being housebound because of the condition.  Still, this doctor insisted it would work and refused me other care options until I lost weight.

       I was enraged. Logically, her argument didn't make sense to me because I knew what my pain felt like at that lower weight. The fact that she didn't believe I knew my own body was so infuriating that I decided to do something about it. I would do as she asked, I would play by the medical system's rules, only so I could prove a point and finally be taken seriously for my pain.

       Losing weight was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Calorie counting is not easy, even though I made it seem that way in some of my earlier posts. I struggled, I cried, and I did feel like I was starving myself regularly. But, after 6 months of dieting, I lost a significant amount of weight. Guess what happened? My pain increased tenfold, just like I knew it would.

       That terrible chat with that biased doctor had broken me, and I put myself through hell to prove a stupid point. I never returned to see that specific physician (she was an unnecessary addition to my medical team at a time when my pain clinic had a discount on private care). Unfortunately, the damage her comments and suggestions made is still ongoing. I wrecked my metabolism just to access better care. The anti-fat bias doctors possess, that we all possess, has hurt me and will continue to hurt others until we make changes.

       As I said before, I discovered fat activism this year. There are some lovely people out there trying to make a difference and getting people to acknowledge their own biases. Here are a few awesome peeps on Twitter for you to follow:

• @meghantonjes
• @comfyfat
• @fatgirlfreedom
• @yrfatfriend

       Your Fat Friend also writes wonderful essays on Medium about the anti-fat bias that are really worth a look: How Healthcare Bias Harms Fat People. If you want more information, Your Fat Friend and the others I listed above are great resources and it's better to hear it from their point of view rather than myself as I am now a small fat after my weight loss.

       Anyways, if you would like my perspective: I think the main point of this cause is to get us to recognize our own biases and deal with them to hopefully stop demonizing fatness and fat people. It's not an easy task; many of us, even fat people themselves, harbour this extreme negativity towards fatness. We've internalized these biased views of society and for many of us who are or were fat, we've turned against ourselves because of it. I know I hated myself whenever I looked in the mirror, ever since I hit puberty. Even when I wasn't fat by any standard (age 10 or 11), I hated any bit of fatness on my body. When I did gain massive amounts of weight, I still looked the same in my eyes. I had always been fat, I was always going to be fat. When I did set out to lose the weight, it came from a place of self-loathing and I shamed myself through the entire experience.

       Even after I lost 50lbs, I still harboured those feelings. But you know what happened? Being thinner, and fitting into straight sizes (S-L, 0-14), made me feel beautiful and acceptable. It made me feel like I was better than people who were bigger than me, and that's terrible! This right here is my anti-fat bias at work. I'm not better than them and I can't let my bias make me think this kind of discrimination is okay.

       It takes a lot of self-talk and head-work to stop these internal judgements. Still, it must be done because I don't want my biases reflected in my actions. I don't want to treat people poorly, even subconsciously, because of their size. I know how awful it is to experience this kind of prejudice, and it's something that will take a lot of effort to eliminate from society. Anti-fat bias, in particular, is very tricky to root out because it's propped up by the medical system.

       Society insidiously imprints us with this negativity against fatness and fat people by using numbers under the guise of science to make the hatred seem okay. Clinically, I'm still 'obese' at a BMI of 32, down from 41 this time last year. Now, that word itself is not neutral and is often thrown around as a hateful term. I use it only to reference the specific medical measurements that have helped fuel society's hatred of fatness.

       The Body Mass Index is a strange scale that assigns numbers to determine what your 'healthy' weight is for your height. 'Overweight' starts at 25, 'obese' starts at 30 and 'morbidly obese' begins at 35. It's a simple mathematical equation to find out where you land, but it doesn't make sense. BMI doesn't account for muscle mass which means big burly athletes with no fat can be considered obese. It was also based on average weights during the early 1900s when food was not nearly as plentiful as it is now and people regularly starved themselves out of necessity. So, of course, you might be thinking, "Why haven't they updated the standard then?" Well, that's a good question with an unfortunate answer. The reason no one has updated the formula is that using the BMI scale simply conforms with our already existing biases against fatness. Why change something that helps confirm what society already believes?

Because hatred on a grand scale is wrong.

-Dana.


Have you ever felt medical professionals were biased against you because of your weight? Did you ever struggle with self-loathing because of your weight or your internal biases? Let me know in the comments down below!

        Every little girl raised under the influence western society dreams of her wedding dress. The shape, the fabric, the way it makes her feel like a princess when she's actually just an accountant or a software engineer or a part-time English tutor... I'm no different. Ever since I saw the Disney animated film, Cinderella (1950), I knew I wanted to wear a ball gown and feel beautiful, even if only for one day of my life. But especially so on the day that I was to feel the most loved: my wedding day.

        There's a lot society neglects to tell you as you grow up. Movies, televisions, books and the theatre all try to show snapshots of real-life, to tell stories that you may relate to, or that one day you may experience. The media in all it's forms—from oil paintings to 140-character social media blurbs—tries to portray human life in a certain, optimistic light. Also in a roundabout way, it tries to prepare you for the struggles ahead. I mean, it so obviously fails to do so as the media exaggerates and inflates stories into massive balloons so full of fantasy hot air that the original message is suffocated. The biggest example of this is the classic movie romp style of "rom-coms".

        Romantic comedies as of the last hundred or so years have told thousands of wedding and marriage tales, almost all of which end in the happily-ever-after myth. Now, I do not have the energy nor the time to touch upon the perils of that kind of story-telling. No, I'm here to discuss my troubles with one of the other, small parts of life that these love-dovey movies just gloss over: wedding planning.

        It was only in the last 20 years that Hollywood actually decided to tackle the lead-up and preparation for the most perfect (and expensive) day of any young woman's life. However, the movie directors did it in their usual superficial style (ie. Father of The Bride 1991, The Wedding Planner 2001, My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2002, Bride Wars, 2009). Often an actual professional was hired to do all the hard work of planning (my wallet aches just thinking about this) while the bride and groom simply enjoyed their engagement. Or instead, the wedding plan fell entirely on the bride and her family where as the groom merely had to show up at the event to be considered 'supportive'.

        Growing up with these visions of weddings was not only unhealthy, it was extremely unrealistic. There's no way my fiancé and I can afford to hire someone to do all our planning (now referred to as a wedding or event coordinator). We have a small budget by modern standards as statistically average Canadian couples will spend $46,000 dollars on a wedding this year. We planned to spend less than a quarter of that, which means we'll have to be cutting costs by doing a lot of the labor ourselves. Also, note that I said 'we' and 'ourselves'. See, my fiancé and I are a team. That's what this whole celebration is about. So, when we tackle the most expensive and most extravagant event of our lives, you better believe that we do it together. I'm not planning this alone, my family doesn't have the final say, and my new life partner isn't going to sit back and chug a beer amongst the chaos of wedding prep. My story is going to be different from the whimsical and hilarious tales on the big screen.

        Once I put my engagement ring on, I was ecstatic. Then, after a couple hours of basking in the newly-engaged-glow, the reality of what lay ahead of me sunk in. Sure, I was engaged and so in love, but I also had to plan a party for all my friends and family, the biggest party I will ever throw in my lifetime. It was terrifying and I relayed this to my fiancé. As always, he was calm and collected. Together we made a few of the smaller decisions and I started to feel like the process wasn't so overwhelming. Those small choices lead to bigger ones, and now much of the event concept is solidified. In the coming weeks, we'll begin booking vendors for our February 2020 wedding. My fiancé has been a part of the process the whole time and, instead of being crippled by worry, I'm actually excited for what lies ahead.

        The movies were wrong about a lot of things when it comes to weddings. As entertaining as it was to watch the wacky love shenanigans and overwhelming bridal meltdowns, I'm very glad that so far reality is nothing like that.

-Dana.


"Have you ever planned a wedding? Did it feel as crazy as a movie wedding? Was it difficult to plan? Share your experience in the comments!"

      It's been about three months since I started actively working on my weight loss. Calorie counting, stepping with my Fitbit, and swimming once a week have all contributed to this and I hope I've created a routine that I can maintain.

      Initially, I had a lot of water weight just hanging around. During the first month of calorie counting, this just melted off at an insane rate. I was shocked at just how much I lost in the beginning. Like, double digit loss with very little effort. By the second month, I was steadily losing about a pound a week. I was a little disappointed that it wasn't as fast as month one, but still seeing those losses really kept me motivated. I was doing something right!

      I think calorie counting is ideal for me. I mean, I can still have McDonalds, the stereotypical epitome of fatness and unhealthy food. I didn't start this to eat perfectly healthy. I just wanted lower numbers on the scale to prove a point to my doctors (the number didn't matter, the pain was always there). I knew that over time I could make the healthier choices because I felt more confident in my diet. And I did. I started choosing to cook instead ordering in. I would go for a protein heavy meal to stave off hunger. I'd excitedly drink water to stay hydrated. Slowly, but surely I'm making healthier choices and I have the willpower to maintain it.

      So, the big reveal. The thing that I never thought I'd be able to say. "I've lost weight." A decent amount of weight. As of a week ago, I'm now down just over 30 lbs. I couldn't believe it. I've never lost that much intentionally in my life. It felt like such a victory. I did this. I worked hard and earned this.

      Now, I still have weight to lose and I will continue to work on my weight loss for the rest of the year. However, I feel really proud of myself and motivated to keep going.  Maybe I'll never be the "perfect" weight, but I can be healthier overall and prove that my condition exists at any weight. I hope to find a happy medium and work towards that. I'll check in again a few months from now, but until then I'm going to celebrate my current success, not of the weight loss but of my immense effort producing results. All my hard work is what matters. I made the impossible possible for myself. Now, I want to revel in that for a little bit.

-Dana.


Have you ever lost a large amount of weight? How did you feel losing weight? Do you maintain the weight loss? Sound off in the comments section!

      I've put a lot of pressure on myself since setting my goals for 25. I really want to achieve them and I thought clearing my skin would be the easiest one considering I'd been working on it for so long. Unfortunately, last month's set back really threw me through a loop. Then, things continued to get worse.

      I felt like nothing I did was working. I felt like my face was redder and angrier than ever before. Turns out, I was right.

      With all the pressure I'd put on myself, I'd started being super strict about cleaning my skin (way too often). I was also using a harsh serum (12.5% Vitamin C) when I probably should've started with a lower dose. Worst of all, I was picking at any little imperfection until my skin cracked and bled. This caused redness and more scarring. Trying to make myself better I just made everything worse.

      So, I decided to do something similar to my basic routine from a year ago when I wrecked my skin. I only cleanse with water in the mornings. Cerave Foaming Cleanser is only for night time. Next, I stopped using heavy toners and switched to Thayer's Fragrance Free Witch Hazel toner. It's very gentle, listed as an SCA Holy Grail product, and alcohol free too. Then, most begrudgingly, I set aside the Vitamin C Serum since it felt a bit harsh. It was expensive and I felt it was a bit of a waste, but I needed to start over.

      My routine is much simpler now, and I'm hoping my skin can recover over the next couple months. I'll have to resist picking (which feels impossible) but I can see that it's counterproductive. We'll see how my skin fares in the warmer weather, but I have high hopes. Maybe hitting rock bottom was what I needed to find success.

-Dana.


What was your worst skincare setback? Did one of your favourite products suddenly cause a reaction? Have you ever had to get rid of an expensive product? Tell me in the comments section!

You know, I'm really tired of spending money hand over fist because of a few pimples. Unfortunately, after my fiasco a year ago due to basic drugstore brands, I felt I needed to try the more expensive products. Sure, they haven't harmed me one bit. But have they helped? That question is harder to respond to than I'd like.

Short answer? No. Long answer? Still no.

Maybe cleansing my face everyday has helped a tiny bit. However, any basic cleanser could do that. From my readings on r/SkincareAddiction, I learned that there are safe and gentle drugstore brands for skincare. Ones that didn't cost hundreds of dollars. I mean, in total over the last year I spent more than $1200 on skincare products. Worse yet, I don't think my skin looks any different that before I started Lush last May. YIKES!

I feel a bit scammed. Skincare is such a tricky thing and it's very subjective. What works for one person doesn't for another. I understand the need for variety, but preying on people who are desperate for solutions and vulnerable due to self-esteem issues is pretty crummy. Thanks capitalism.

Well, I think I've learned my lesson. No more trying brands in a sweeping manner without tons of research. I've read so much about my skin type and conditions via SCA and I will continue to do so. Over the next month, I'll be phasing out most of my Kiehl's products (except the Vitamin C serum. I can only order that online from other brands). In their stead, I'm switching to Cerave cleansers and moisturizers. As for a toner, it's really up in the air right now. Maybe I won't use one at all for a while and see how I fair. Still, I'm going to keep my eye out for something soothing and cheap!

Setbacks are normal, but this is a bit rough. I'm only two months into truly pushing myself on skincare and to lose a whole year's worth of work really sucks. Maybe this spring will go better.

-Dana.


What products did you feel scammed by? Did you buy anything that you later felt was overpriced? Do you find expensive skincare routines worth it? Leave me a message down below!

A few weeks ago, I created a goal list to complete by my 25th birthday that included weight loss. This specific goal feels like the biggest challenge on the list. How am I supposed to drop pounds when my Fibromyalgia keeps me housebound? When I can barely cook for myself? When I can't digest a lot of vegetables?

It seemed like a throwaway goal. Like I set the bar too high. Still, I set the goal because I wanted to achieve it. I didn't give myself a specific amount of weight because I felt that was unfair. I didn't want to fail to meet a certain level and then backslide because I was ashamed. So, I decided to research weight loss techniques that were more flexible. I needed something that let me eat whatever I wanted while not feeling deprived. You know, the ideal diet that everyone wants when they set out to lose weight... Yeah, I didn't think I'd find anything.

Then I did. I stumbled upon weight loss discussions in various forums that discussed Calorie Counting. I always thought that it was bad; it made me think of Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig, systems that were expensive and didn't work very well if you ate food off menu. However, from my research I soon discovered that weight loss was a simple equation. "Calories In" needs to be less than "Calories Out". That's it. If I could eat just a little less than I burned, eventually the weight would come off with very little effort on my part. This meant I could still eat at restaurants, that I could still have sweets and pasta. I just needed to portion things better and plan my meals accordingly.  So, I went to TDEE Calculator and sorted out my numbers according to my activity level. It was somewhat low because of my height, gender, and activity level. Still, I could work within it. I could also eat dinners with my ravenous partner as long as I followed portion control rules.

The most involved part of this was tracking everything I ate. This meant snacks, drinks and even licking the spoon after cooking. The piece of gum I chewed to freshen my breath? Count it. That little nibble off my partner's fork? Count it. The sip of my friend's drink to prove how bad it tasted? Yep, count it.  It felt a little daunting, but I already had a tracking function built into my Fitbit App. This would come in handy because my Fitbit already tracked my calorie burn. It tracked how many calories I expended just by existing and how many I burned while doing basic daily tasks. This gave me a much higher number than my estimates on the calculator and I was able to eat until I was full each day while still losing weight! It feels like I've actually found something that works.

As of today, I've lost 7 lbs just by calorie counting. It's a small number, but the losses have been steady every week. If I keep this up maybe the weight loss goal won't be so bad after all.

-Dana.


Have you ever tried calorie counting? What diet works for you? Do you use apps to assist in your weight loss? Tell me what you think below!

On television, often when celebrities or the rich elite are depicted, you'll see women getting expensive facials at spas rather than at home face-masks. I always thought those were a little ridiculous. If I can do this at home for cheap, why would I pay someone else to do it?

Oh, am I sure eating some crow now.

Over the Christmas holidays, my lovely partner bought me a day of pampering at a local spa. This was so sweet of him and, with my current obsession with skincare, I was super excited.  When I arrive at the spa and began my other treatments, the whole time my mind was focused on the facial. Was it going to do anything? Was it a gimmick? Would I look like a fresh faced baby?

The treatment I selected was designed for acne and involved chemical exfoliation using fruit enzymes. (You know how pineapple tingles when you eat it? It's because the pineapple is breaking down the cells on your tongue. It can be used to exfoliate skin too!) When I laid down for the experience, I was really pleased with how many steps were involved. My boyfriend had paid over $100 for this treatment and I definitely wanted it to be worth it. We spent about half an hour steaming and rubbing and extracting. Then came the actual facial. We did the chemical exfoliation first and the esthetician mentioned it might tingle... Wow, what an understatement.

It didn't tingle. It didn't feel fresh or even itchy. No. It BURNED.

I mentioned this to the esthetician to which she said, "Yep, that's normal." Normal to feel like my face is melting off like the cheese sliding off a slice of pizza. Okay. Sure. Then I had to sit there for 10 minutes with that shit on my face. When the woman left the room, I said a few choice words to myself. The lava began to settle into my pores and I started to accept that this was my life now. I would be fire face. Maybe you could cover up exposed muscle with foundation.

Time ticked by slowly and I spent the majority of the time screaming internally until she returned and took it off. Once the chemical exfoliation was removed, I shivered in pleasure. It was so nice to not feel the burning I was relishing in it. Next came the soothing oatmeal mask, which felt like ice after the magma treatment. When all was said and done, I got up from the table and swore to never come back. Those rich ladies on TV were nuts, this was awful. Only insane people who had killed all the nerve endings in their face with plastic surgery would do this.  Then I looked in a mirror...

Damn. I looked good. Smooth, clearer. I still had skin, really good skin, even though it felt like I left it on the spa floor. I thanked the esthetician and tipped well, noticeably quiet as I contemplated what had just occurred.

The following month, I had some of the best skin of my life. Clearer than usual and so soft. I even felt confident enough to not wear make-up. The only difference was the expensive facial. It felt like a revelation and I realized that maybe facials were worth the money. Eventually, my skin went back to being it's naughty self and I longed for another face-melting that drained my bank account.

So was it worth it? Yes and no. I didn't like the experience of the burning exfoliation, but I loved the results. If it weren't so expensive, I'd do it more often.  However, it's nice to know that it's a viable option when I can afford it. Doing regular upkeep for it would be a big hit to my wallet as they recommend you do it every six weeks (which is when my skin started to freak out again). So, maybe I understand how these wealthy women do this regularly if it shows such good results. Beauty is pain, apparently. For good skincare, you start to become a masochist if something works. You want the burning just for the results.

While this facial won't be a regular addition to my routine, I'm pleased to have tried it. I will definitely keep this in mind if I ever have a skin emergency again.

-Dana.

Have you ever tried chemical exfoliation? Did you get a strange facial at a spa? What was your experience like? Let me know in the comments!

Last time I checked in about my journey into the expensive and overwhelming world of skincare, I discussed how my Lush routine was working and what I changed after using it for most of the summer. Well, Autumn came and went, taking with it my Lush routine. By November, I was just plain fed up.

At that point, it had been almost 10 months since I started this crazy ride, and my skin honestly wasn't looking any better! Sure, with each new product I'd go through a period of adjustment that felt like it was making a difference, but then after a month or two my skin would get angry again. I'm turning 24 in January, and I feel like I have the skin of a middle school outcast

The Lush routine did last the longest, partly due to the fact that it was gentler than the other methods I tried, so I had less side effects. Also, I felt super guilty for how much money I spent on them and didn't want to throw in the towel too soon... However, after 6 whole months of consistent use with no true change in my issues (acne, oiliness..etc), I knew it was time to change things up.

During the summer, I heard good things about a place called Kiehl's. They take a more dermatological approach to skin care and even do little swatch skin tests in store. Now, I'm a sucker for little gimmicks that tell me more about myself so this felt like it was right up my alley. Even better was that my closest Kiehl's was right across from the Lush store in my local mall, Metropolis at Metrotown (I just imagine the shopkeepers, one in a black apron and the other in a white lab coat, walking out into the atrium to shake their fists at each other). When I walked in and mentioned the little skin test, I was seated and tested within in seconds. It didn't seem as cool as it looked in the video I watched previously, but it was neat nonetheless. The little test papers told me I was "normal-to-oily". Honestly, I think it lied because I had done a face mask earlier in the day which skewed the results, but whatever. After about 10 minutes of chatting, I walked out of Kiehl's with a two-step, twice daily routine and a once a week face mask.

The products include Blue Herbal Acne Cleanser Treatment, Calendula Herbal-Extract Toner, and Rare Earth Deep Pore Cleansing Mask. Now, I only bought three things, and only in the smaller sizes, because the sticker shock was a bit painful. Even with the smaller products, I still racked up a $65 bill. Lower than the bill I got from Lush the first time, but still a decent assault on my wallet.

It's been a month since I purchased the Kiehl's routine, and so far I'm enjoying it. This is much simpler than the initial Lush routine. I don't feel like I have to cut things out or rearrange any steps to make it easier. Also, the toner doesn't dry out my skin nearly as much as some of the Lush products. (We also won't talk about the month of April after I tried out OXY and Nivea.) I've been feeling cleaner, and fresher than before. The redness hasn't really changed, but my pores aren't pumping out oil like before. I'm optimistic about this routine, and I'm fond of how it feels.

I'll give it another couple months before I make my final decision, so for now the Kiehl's routine receive's a 7.5/10.

Before the new year starts, I have a couple ideas as to how I can supplement my skincare regimen. This will of course get it's own post, but it'll be a few days before I have everything set up. For now, Happy Holidays and I wish you the cleanest, freshest skin possible.

Dana~

What do you think about Kiehl's? Do you like their products? How do you feel about the price of skincare? Have you learned any easy or cheap hacks to beautiful skin? Let me know in the comments!

For almost 7 years, I have viewed the world the same way. After a certain point people started to question my choice. "How have you not changed your mind yet?" or "Don't you get tired of it?" The answer was always a resounding "No," to anyone who asked. Then, just a few weeks back my partner finally urged me to make the change.

"You know, it's really time to try something new. It's been years!"

I pouted. I pleaded. Then I plodded around all mopey. I didn't want to change. I liked everything the way it was already.

My partner booked the appointment and I nervously went along with it all. He was right, it was time to make a change, but that didn't make me feel any better. I was really anxious about it because this had been a part of who I was for so many years. Seeing a medical professional about it only made the situation feel heavier.

After the initial exam, I spent some time trying to pick what I wanted off a shelf of hundreds that all looked alike.

"This doesn't suit me. I'm not a 40's-something-business man."

"That works better for a child, not a grown woman."

"Why is there nothing that looks like mine? Has my opinion really fallen out of fashion?"

Finally, I decided on something that was almost the opposite of my old faithful style. It had some similarities to my current point of view, but it felt entirely different once I tried it on. At first, my reflection didn't look like me. The shadows it cast created new lines and hid old ones. I tried different angles, different lighting. It wouldn't be the same no matter how much I wanted it to be. There was no going back though, it was time. As we forked over several hundred dollars at the register, I tried to understand how on Earth I was going to adapt to this. I nervously chewed on my lip while we walked out of the shop. There was whole week I had to wait and stew over this choice before it was ready.

The days crawled by, and I felt more and more anxious. When the time finally came to retrieve it, I was a ball of nerves. Setting aside the old and replacing it with the new was certainly an experience. The face looking back at me was different, but after seven years, I was a different person. Maybe it was time to accept my growth and that way I have changed. I wasn't 17 anymore. I'm almost 24-years-old.

Hopefully, my new glasses reflect who I feel I've become.



"What was it like for you when you made a major change to your everyday look? Was it new glasses? A new haircut? How did it make you feel? Let me know in the comments down below!"