How do you make big decisions? How you choose to do something life altering? How do you get past the fear? How do you live with the regret? I really want to know. I honestly need to understand how this works, how to get past that huge road block. I have no clue what I'm doing.
Important choices are the scariest ones, the ones that come with consequences. For one, nobody warns you of them as a kid. They start in high school, when we're still used to children's choices. (Do you want chocolate ice cream or a cookie? Yes, you can have the cookie later too.) They blindside you and so you tackle them with your limited knowledge of choices. You pick the easy answer and later, you try to change your mind. Just like you did when you were young. But then you're told you can't go back. That decision was final. You have to live with the bad extracurriculars for a year, work that crap retail job instead of being out with your friends, or you have to find a way to let go of your hot, but bitchy partner without messing up your social life. No one told you these decisions were final. You didn't really understand what final meant until it happened. These choices, these mistakes, while now more impactful, were only the tip of the iceberg.
The final year of school comes along and everyone begins to ask, "What do you want to do with the rest of your life?" You're made to make decisions that will impact the next 20 to 50 years of your life when you're barely legal. You have to pick a career path, final year courses that complement it, then apply to a college with an applicable degree program and finally decide on relevant work experience for it. You know these choices are final, and worst of all you know the consequences are 10 times more severe than picking P.E. over Dramatic Expressions 101. These choices can't truly be avoided either. Everyone from your mother to strangers who find out you're graduating will ask. Sure, you can put it all off. Finish school and take a gap year. But statistics show that those who don't make the decisions tend to not start careers or even continue schooling. They earn less over their lifetime compared to those who made their choices. These big steps, big decisions have huge consequences, but they still aren't the hurdles I'm trying to tackle.
I'm talking about the adult choices. The ones that determine where you live, who's a part of your life and where your next meal is coming from. The choices that affect your sanity and are affected by your morality. These choices not only have life long consequences, but the regret that comes with them can be massive. So consuming it can drive you to the brink of madness. Worse yet, as you teeter on the edge of that depressing cliff, the pressure to choose pushes you forward. You may wait so long out of sheer terror of those consequences that you rush the decision just to make it all stop. Then you're really stuck. Then you have to live with something you probably weren't prepared for just because you couldn't handle the pressure.
A new dark cloud falls over you, one of regret and depression. You don't know how to move forward anymore. All you can see is what's behind you and you want it back. Unfortunately, no. You're an adult now. Going backwards, asking for a mulligan...they're out of the question. Those 'backsies' choices come with the shame of failure, the shame of "I give up!" You can't handle that. You can't handle facing everyone who matters and telling them you screwed up. Or you could, but you're not sure your already fragile ego would survive the beating. So you do the adult thing, grin and bear it. You live with your choice, your big mistake. You try to "take it in stride" as they say. But then suddenly, you're on the edge of that cliff again, toes dangling over those rocks. The pressure is against your back and you feel like you're going insane. Darkness and the thundering crash of waves on stone calls up from below, the sound of another big mistake awaiting you. You already have one big regret to live with, another might break you. So I ask again...How do I make these choices? Will I ever make the right decision? Or is there no "right" answer?
It could be that adulthood is simply living with regrets and facing this emotionally perilous moment over and over. As time goes by I'll get better at deciding. I'll know how to face the cliff-side without being plagued by anxiety. My choices will be more informed and the consequences won't be nearly as overwhelming. For now, as I lack the enlightening experience to guide me, I have to take another leap of faith. I have to jump and learn from my fall. Then maybe one day I won't have to do this on blind faith anymore.
Dana~
